The Long Way Around
by bolin816
Summary: What would you do, if you failed everyone you loved? If you were a creature you did not recognize? That destroyed everything it touched? How far would you be willing to go to change that? To save those you loved? For Shepard, he will go further than anyone to make things right. Time Travel fic
1. Prologue

Earth, 2186

He stared at the spot where Harbinger's beam had cut through only seconds earlier. He stared in horror at the two burning bodies next to a downed tank, the area around them scorched.

An asari and a human. He had to keep moving. _But Liara and Vega…._ No! He had to keep going! He had to leave them behind.

 _I'm all alone now._

With a great effort, he rose from his position behind a downed Mako and continued running towards the beam. _They were the last of the crew…Keep going!_ he told himself.

 _Mourn them later!_ Explosions kept springing up all around him, which brought him back into the present. His world was chaos, people and tanks and gunships flying through the air, burning bodies flying past him. Reeking of burnt flesh and machinery.

Another tank was upended and he nearly avoided it by diving towards the ground. He spit the dirt from his mouth and noticed that the explosions had finally ceased and he looked up. The giant Reaper, the largest one of all, Harbinger, stared back at him in eerie silence. A silence he was not known for.

 _Where are his taunting words now?_

He could see the laser firing up. He was in plain sight of it, he should move to cover!

Shouldn't he?

Why should he...

 _What's the point anymore?_ _Everyone's dead already…_

Harbinger said nothing as it fired its beam which quickly rushed towards him and before he knew it, his world turned black.

* * *

He awoke to pain. Terrible pain. _No more than I deserve_ ….

"Did we get anyone to the beam?" A voice in his ear shouted and he opened his eyes to the dark sky of Earth.

"Negative. Our entire force was decimated", another voice said.

 _Major Coats_. _I remember..._ He raised his head just in time to see Harbinger rising up into the air and away from the beam.

 _Why is it leaving? Why..._

 _It's wide open. It's now or never._

He gasped in pain as he rose to a sitting position. It felt like his insides were on fire! Must keep going! _Must keep going!_

He grabbed the gun next to him. Carnifex model. The same pistol he had used back on Tuchanka. When… _No! Don't think about that! No time!_ He gingerly rose to his feet, clutching his stomach in pain.

"It's too much! We need to regroup. Fall back to the buildings…" Coats shouted in his ear again and he flinched in pain before shuffling himself towards the beam. "Hammer's wiped out! All forces…retreat!" The first voice said but he paid no mind to her voice anymore.

They were whole worlds away as far as he was concerned. He was solely focused on getting to the beam.

 _To the Citadel…_

On the ground, he noticed a fellow marine crawling towards him, whispering something he couldn't hear. _Help him….._ The marine's head dropped to the ground and his body slumped forward.

He stepped over the body without a second glance.

As soon as he did, he dropped to the ground, experiencing another spasm of pain. He punched his head in frustration and groaned before forcing himself back up and moving again. He noticed another marine laying against some debris staring directly at him before the marine's head dropped to one side.

 _Is he judging me too? Did I kill him too?_

He noticed movement near the debris field right by the beam and the turian abomination, a marauder, stepped out to face him.

He shot it in the head before it could get any of its own shot out and it let out a mechanized scream before it collapsed on the ground near the beam.

He stepped past it, and glanced at its face, remembering his long dead turian friend.

 _Brother. Not just a friend…_ He angrily corrected himself before groaning in pain again before resolving himself and stepping through the beam.

* * *

The Citadel

He had a brief feeling of weightlessness before being violently thrown out of the beam and onto the ground.

Only this ground was different. It was metal, not dirt. And there was a foul smell in the air. But he didn't care. His eyes remained shut and he just rested on the ground for a moment.

"Shepard", a voice said in his ear, the first to address him directly.

Wait, he knew that voice. The only one who still called him that, who still thought he was Shepard… _Anderson!_

He gasped as he got up, clutching his stomach in pain and looked up. All around him were bodies piled together leading down a corridor, dimly lit by red emergency lighting.

"Shepard!" That voice, Anderson, called again.

He rose to his feet and activated his communication link.

"Anderson. You up here too?" His croaky voice said.

At first, there was silence and he was suddenly afraid that the voice wouldn't respond. But after a couple more seconds, he was relieved to hear Anderson's voice.

"Followed you up, but we didn't come out in the same place" he was surprised to hear Anderson groan in pain as well before continuing. "At least I don't think we did. What's your surrounding look like?"

He tried to study his area but another spasm of pain erupted, dropping him to his knees. "You okay?" Anderson asked him, hearing him in pain. "I'm fine." He brushed the question off and studied his surroundings.

"It's dark…there's human remains scattered", he said as he started to limp forward. "Sounds familiar", Anderson told him.

"I'm in a dark hallway…reminds me of your description of the Collector Base." Unpleasant memories suddenly assaulted his mind: memories of insectoid aliens firing at him, a dark skinned man taking a rocket to the face, the booming voice of Harbinger taunting him, his yeoman dissolving into fluid…He shook his head from the horrible memory and focused on the present. No point in remembering the past.

"Makes sense", he replied after a while. "You think they're making a Reaper in here?" Anderson asked him and the unpleasant memories came back: the human-Reaper at the Collector Base. "Sure", he replied bitterly. "They round them up on Earth, then send the people up here to be processed".

The image of his yeoman dissolving into fluid would not go away and floated in front of his eyes again as Anderson spoke again.

"Goddamn abomination. I'm going to keep moving. The sooner we blow these bastards back to hell, the better." He couldn't agree more. He kept limping forward, also noticing green aliens quietly picking apart the bodies. _Keepers_ , he remembered. _They were important for something…_ He tried to remember, but the memories he actually wanted to remember evaded him.

"The tubes don't go on forever…but where the hell are we?" Anderson's voice cut through his quiet musings. "Yeah", he agreed. "Doesn't look like any part of the Citadel I've been to." "Whoa…"Anderson said and he briefly paused near the door.

"Anderson?" "One of the walls here just realigned itself. The place is shifting. Changing." He didn't know how to feel about that so he trudged forward, passing one of the green aliens, a Keeper. "There's a chasm here…and more hallways like the one I was in". "I think I'm near an exit", he said just as the giant door opened to him.

He continued on and took note of the enormous chasm he entered, with lightning flashing and strange technology moving around. There were also more bodies. _Of course there were…_ "I see something up ahead, might be a way to cross over." There was a brief pause before Anderson spoke again.

"Where do you think you're at?" "Just found that chasm you were talking about", he replied and Anderson spoke again. "Hold on…I see something. I control panel maybe." A control panel? Why would he need…. _The mission you dumbass!_

At once, he quickened his pace and started climbing a ramp towards another area. "I'm just going to go on ahead and check"- Anderson was cut off before he could finish with interference which caused him to grimace in pain. "Anderson?" He asked desperately.

When no response came, he sighed. He was alone again.

He finally made it up the ramp and found a large platform surrounded by another chasm. He could faintly hear the sounds of the battle outside. He moved closer and he realized with a start that someone was hunched over a control panel at the very end. He widened his eyes in recognition.

"Anderson!" He called out. Anderson turned around to look at him. _Very strangely too._ "Shepard…I can't!" Anderson shouted and he suddenly felt himself freeze up.

"I underestimated you, Shepard," a new voice said and a figure walked in front of him and turned to reveal himself. _The Illusive Man_ , he remembered angrily.

Only…the Illusive Man didn't look quite right. His face was charred and instead of blood showing, there was circuitry. _He almost looks like a husk!_

"What have"-He mumbled to himself. "I warned you", the Illusive Man said. "Control is the means to survival. Control of the Reapers…and of you if necessary." There was a loud, painful noise in his head which made it difficult to concentrate on the Illusive Man.

"They're controlling you", Anderson angrily growled.

"I don't think so, Admiral", the Illusive Man coldly stated.

"Why waste your time with us…" He angrily asked as the Illusive Man turned to regard him. "…if you can control the Reapers?"

"Because…I need you to believe. When humanity discovered the mass relays, when we learned there was more to the galaxy than we imagined, there were some who thought the relays should be destroyed," the Illusive Man started. "They were scared of what we'd find, terrified of what we might let in. But look at what humanity has achieved! Since that discovery, we've advanced more than the past 10,000 years combined!" The Illusive Man turned to look at both trapped men.

"And the Reapers will do the same for us again. A thousand fold! But…" Searing pain in his mind grabbed his attention and he clutched his head in pain. "-only if we can harness their ability to control". He looked up and realized with a start that the Illusive Man was right next to him. _How'd he get there so fast?_

"Bullshit!" Anderson's voice cut through his pounding head. "We destroy them, or they destroy us!"

"And waste this opportunity? Never!" The Illusive Man countered, heading towards Anderson

. "Maybe you're just so hungry for power that it's clouded your vision!" He stated and the Illusive Man halted his advance.

"No…no. It's not that simple"-

"Isn't it?" He interrupted. "You're willing to give up anything for control."

"Yes!" The Illusive Man agreed. "If not me then who? Are you going to control the Reapers?"

"There's always another way", Anderson quietly said and in the silence of the room, both men turned to look at him.

"I've dedicated my life to studying the Reapers, and I know with certainty: the Crucible will allow me to control them." _The superweapon,_ he reminded himself. _The one that Liara found…_

"And then what?" He angrily demanded of the Illusive Man.

"Look at the power they wield! Look at what they can do," the Illusive Man almost begged.

He shook his head. "I see what they did to you!"

"I took what I wanted from them! Made it my own! This isn't about me or you. It's about things so much bigger than all of us", the Illusive Man spread his hands.

"He's wrong", Anderson groaned. "Don't listen to him."

"And who will you listen to Shepard?" he Illusive Man asked him.

That name again. Shepard. He remembered him. He remembered how Shepard died on Rannoch. Along with his true love. "An old soldier, stuck in his ways, only able to see the world down the barrel of a gun?" He remembered her too. The soldier. The one he loved in the beginning. Feelings of anger swelled up at the memories of her.

"And what if he's wrong? What if controlling the Reapers is the answer?"

"Then what are you waiting for?" He demanded angrily, tired of this conversation. "Open the arms, let the Crucible dock, and use it to end this!" The Illusive Man, who had been pacing throughout, stopped.

"I…I will."

"Do it!"

The Illusive Man did nothing, only stared at his hands in horror. "You can't can you? They won't let you do it."

"No, I'm in control! No one is telling me what to do", the Illusive Man shouted angrily.

"Listen to yourself", Anderson told him. "You're indoctrinated."

"No. No! The two of you, so self-righteous. Do you think power like this comes easy? There are sacrifices"-

"You've sacrificed too much", he told the Illusive Man, who continued to get more angry and desperate.

"Shepard, I….I only wanted to protect humanity. The Crucible can control them. I know it can! I just…"

"It's not too late", he pleaded with the Illusive Man. "Let us go. We'll do the rest." "I…" the Illusive Man struggled to say.

"I can't do that, Commander." "Of course you can't…They own you now," Anderson said.

The Illusive Man glared at Anderson before reaching behind him and grabbing a pistol.

"You…you'd undo everything I've accomplished. I won't let that happen", the Illusive Man said, almost in a daze.

"You're nothing more than the Reaper's plaything now", he spat at the Illusive Man.

"No!" The Illusive Man shouted and he forced Anderson on his hands and knees before raising his gun to Anderson's head. He panicked as he realized what was about to happen. _No! Not Anderson too!_ He desperately tried to move, but nothing happened.

"You're the one who failed!" The Illusive Man shouted and before he could move, the Illusive Man shot Anderson in the head. He tried to shout, but no words would come out. He dumbly watched as his mentor and friend collapsed to the floor, blood seeping from the wound in his head.

"And you will die knowing you're one of my greatest disappointments" the Illusive Man said and he looked up from Anderson's body to see the gun raised at him. Without thinking, he fired his gun and the Illusive Man yelled in pain before collapsing to the ground. At once, he was freed from control and gasped as he fell on his knees. He looked towards Anderson and let out a small cry of grief before continuing on to the control panel.

 _But Anderson…_ No. No time. _Do your duty first!_

He finally reached the panel and pressed a few buttons. Before he knew it, a massive groaning noise sounded and the arms of the Citadel opened. He sighed in relief, taking in the view of Earth.

"I wish, you could see like I do…Shepard", the weak voice of the Illusive Man said and he wearily turned around, too tired to even finish him off. "It's so…beautiful", the Illusive Man whispered one last time.

He continued to stare at the Illusive Man, heeding his words before limping over next to Anderson's body and sitting next to it alone.

He stared off into space, his mind taking time to remember. Something he had tried to avoid for months. But he couldn't hold it back anymore. A lifetime of regret.

He was too tired. Of everything. The war, the Reapers, everything had taken its toll on him. He had failed Anderson. He had failed everyone. He could vaguely hear the Crucible docking with the Citadel, but he paid no mind to it. He was too lost in his own thoughts.

He remembered Liara raising her hand to him, no less than ten minutes earlier, her eyes pleading with him to do something, to save her. She always did look up to him, ever since the beginning.

But he had failed. She and Vega were dead because of him. And now even Anderson was dead. Because of him. The Normandy crew were all gone. He had failed them all. And that hurt him more than any bullet ever could.

He let out a dry, choked sob, a horrible sound even to him, before looking down at his charred armor and noticing his blood coming out in pools.

He paid no mind to it. _My work is done_ _. No less than what I deserve anyways._

"Commander?" A new voice erupted in his ear. _Admiral Hackett._

 _Hackett always wants something..._

"What do you need me to do"? He slurred out as he collapsed on the floor, half conscious. He tried to stand up to get to the control panel to see what was wrong, but collapsed to the floor. Setting his teeth, he crawled instead, refusing to give in to his pain.

"Nothing's happening. The Crucible's not firing. It's got to be something on your end", Hackett said and he raised his eyes to the panel.

"I don't see…I'm not sure how to…" he tried to raise his blood soaked hand to the panel but pain won over him for the first time, and he finally closed his eyes.

He felt his whole body moving but paid no mind to it. Only when the voices in his ear stopped completely and when he stopped moving did he awaken.

* * *

He opened his eyes, everything was so much darker now, before he shook his head and found himself staring at some kind of hologram right in front of him.

It kneeled down to face him and with a shock, he found himself staring at the face of the child. The child who died in the first wave of the Reapers. The child who had haunted his dreams ever since Earth was invaded. He was staring at a ghost.

"Why are you here?" It demanded and he found that he was able to rise to his feet.

"What? Where am I?" He asked, not really comprehending what he was seeing.

"The Citadel. It's my home", it replied, gesturing to a giant contraption with a beam running vertically down the middle. His confusion only grew and his eyes turned back to the ghost.

"Who are you?" He asked. "I am the Catalyst", it replied and his eyes widened. _This is the Catalyst?! This is the thing we've been looking for all along?_

"I thought the Citadel was the Catalyst?"

"No, the Citadel is a part of me", the child replied. He cautiously approached the child, not knowing what to do or say.

"I need to stop the Reapers. Do you know how I can do that?"

"The Reapers are mine", the child explained. "I control them. They are my solution."

It started to walk away from him and he asked: "Solution? To what problem?" "Chaos", was the simple answer he got.

"The created will always rebel against their creators", the child explained and he got flashbacks to Rannoch: of the geth desperately wanting to live, the quarians refusing them. _That was more so on the quarians than the geth. Wasn't it?_

"We found a way to stop that from happening, a way to restore order."

"By wiping out organic life?" He angrily questions and the child stops and faces him. "No. We harvest advanced civilizations, leaving the younger ones alone. Just as we left your people alive the last time we were here."

"But you killed the rest." The child shook its head, almost pityingly.

"We helped them ascend, so they could make way for new life, storing the old life in Reaper form."

"What's the point of saving new life if it'll be harvested in 50,000 years?" He asked.

"Your evolutionary processes are….interesting to observe. But without us to stop it, synthetics would destroy all organics. We created this cycle so that never happens. That's the solution."

"Hold on a minute", he said, holding out a hand. "This cycle's synthetics, the geth, didn't seek to destroy us organics for hundreds of years. They kept to themselves before Sovereign convinced them to join it…"

"It matters not. All synthetics will destroy their creators in due time."

"You said you're the Catalyst….but what are you really?"

"A construct. I was created to bring balance, to be the catalyst for peace between organics and synthetics", it said. "I embody the collective intelligence of all Reapers", it concluded.

"You're taking away our right to choose!" He said angrily. "Without it, we might as well be machines, just like you."

"You have choice, more than you deserve", it replied bitterly. "The fact that you are standing here, the first organic ever, proves it. But it also proves my solution won't work anymore."

"So…now what", he asked cautiously. "We find a new solution." The Catalyst gestured to the giant contraption.

"The Crucible changed me, created new….possibilities. But I can't make them happen." The Catalyst turned to face him. "If there is to be a new solution, then you must act.

"It is now within your power to control us", it explained and he turned to see a side of the contraption that was blue and had a control panel. "destroy us", it continued and he saw the other side that was red and had a glass covering over a bunch of wires. "or to merge with us", it concluded, gesturing to the giant beam. He glanced at all three before back at the Catalyst. "Why are you telling me this? Why help me?"

"You have….altered the variables." It vaguely concluded. _Well that doesn't help._

"What will happen in each of these choices?" The child hesitates before explaining.

"If you control us, you will die. You will control us, but you will lose everything you have", it said. _What more can I lose?_ "How can I control them if I'm dead?" "Your corporeal form will be dissolved, but your thoughts, even your memories, will continue. You will no longer be organic. Your connection to your kind will be lost, though you will remain aware of their existence." He shook his head, not liking what he was hearing.

"And the other options?" "You can wipe out all synthetic life if you want", it said, gesturing towards the red console. "Including the geth."

"But the Reapers will be destroyed?" "Yes. But the peace won't last. Your children will create synthetics and the chaos will come back." It paused for a moment before continuing.

"If you choose synthesis, you will add your energy to the Crucible's and the chain reaction will combine all synthetic and organic life into a new framework. A new DNA. It is the ideal solution", it finally concluded.

He glanced around, noticing for the first time the battle raging around them both. It was too much. "Your time is at an end. You must choose." The Catalyst told him and he started to panic.

 _What right do I have to change the entire galaxy?! It doesn't matter we need to end this!_

He was panicking now, glancing back to the three choices and to the Catalyst, who continued to stare impassively at him. The pain in his chest flared up again, but that was nothing compared to the pain in his head. His mind was at war with itself, driving him to shut his eyes in agony, angrily flinging biotics at the central beam.

He never heard the Catalyst yell in alarm and never saw the biotics get reflected back at him, along with the energy of the Crucible. He only the felt tremendous pain in his head and then…nothing.

* * *

He heard voices. Too many voices to make out. All familiar to him. But he was used to that. The memories of the long dead crew who followed him always haunted his dreams.

The dreams he had every night, ever since Earth. Of the child burning alive. Of the dead accusing him. Blaming him.

And yet...this was different. He couldn't see anything at all actually.

He wasn't in the familiar forest full of ashes.

And he...felt different too. Almost as if he was floating.

For a moment, there was only darkness. Nothing to see, nothing to hear, touch, taste, or smell. But then, he could hear…. "You and your crew have just landed in the middle of a hotzone. Every AA gun within ten miles has been alerted to your presence." He didn't quite recognize that voice, but it seemed familiar…

This was no dream.

His feet found solid ground.

"What are we supposed to do in the meantime?" A very familiar voice asked and he found that he could open his eyes.

A blinding light flashed in front of him and he covered his eyes, not having seen sunlight like that since he was stuck on Earth before it was invaded.

 _Where am I?_

"Shepard? Are you ok?" Another familiar voice asked him and he adjusted his eyes to his settings and what he saw shook him to his core. _No…it can't be!_

He saw that he was on a lush planet and surrounded by seas. A horribly familiar planet. But that was the least of his problems.

Standing right next to him was one of the first casualties of his bloody crusade against the Reapers: Kaidan Alenko. Across from them was a salarian looking curiously at them. But to his right… "Commander?" Ashley Williams asked him impatiently. But looking farther, he could see all of his old crew, of the SR1. All watching him curiously.

 _I'm surrounded by ghosts_.


	2. Virmire

Virmire, 2183

The light was blinding. He was more used to the darkness of space, the emptiness almost comforted him. A more naive part of his mind thought of the stars as his lost crew. Always looking out for him, watching his back. His nightmares said differently of course.

But this, wherever he was now, was completely different from his nightmares.

 _What the hell is this?_

His armor was different than the one that had been burnt away by Harbinger. It was the same as he remembered it had been three years ago: the old Onyx armor with the N7 logo sticking out. Thinking quick he ran a hand over his eye and felt the scar that went over his eye that had healed when he had been brought back by the Lazarus Project.

This wasn't a nightmare. Was this hell?

If he was truly dead, then how come he could smell the fresh air around him? Feel the cool breeze that blew around him? Hear shotgun shells break the quiet and peaceful atmosphere?

"Commander? Everything alright?" Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko asked and he turned his head to face the man.

 _Kaidan? I left him to die! How is he here?!_

"I uh…..just give me a minute. I….have to check the Mako", he dumbly said, his voice clear and fresh, sounding frightening to even himself, and spun around and sprinted towards the old tank. Man how he used to hate that tank!

 _Last time I saw that blasted thing it was destroyed on the Citadel. The Citadel..._

He had been on the Crucible only minutes before, in the heat of the final battle, the battle to determine the future of the galaxy, and now he was on Virmire of all places.

 _What happened? I had been about to choose..._

The Catalyst had been offering him three options; three choices to determine the future of the galaxy. The three choices had stood in front of him, on the cool, metal surface of the Crucible, only to be replaced by the sandy beaches of Virmire.

 _Those choices...what were they again?_

The three options had scared him, frightened him beyond belief. To destroy the Reapers, control the Reapers, or to merge all organics and synthetics together for all time. Problem was, he didn't like any of those choices. Or the Catalyst itself for that matter.

He remembered accidentally flinging biotics all over the place, some hitting the giant beam than ran vertically along the Crucible. Could it have done something to him, make him hallucinate perhaps?

He turned from the Mako to study the scene behind him. Kaidan still watched him with concern but Ashley Williams had started to converse with the salarian he had seen earlier.

 _Kirrahe,_ he remembered. _Captain Kirrahe. He died when we assaulted the base. He died with honor._

But here he was, alive… If this was a hallucination, then how come everyone looked younger, and kept staring at him? With concern? He shifted his gaze to Ashley Williams and immediately, anger began boiling inside of him.

 _She was there on the Citadel when Cerberus tried to take it over. I had to shoot her myself just to keep the Council alive!_

He remembered when Udina, the traitorous snake, had tried to seize power for himself and Ashley had helped him do it! And….he still remembered their night together before Ilos…

 _First chance I get, I'll shoot her again myself_ he determinedly pledged to himself before studying the other crew members.

Liara T'Soni, whom he had just seen get vaporized by Harbinger back on Earth, stood apart from the others with a different armor set than he remembered she wore back on Earth. She looked to be conversing with one of the salarian soldiers but also keeping an eye on the surroundings.

 _What in the blazes happened to me?!_

His old crew, Virmire, Kirrahe, all of this exactly similar to three years ago for him when he had first learned of the Reapers.

 _It's impossible. I know that. But still, could I have really...traveled in time?_

Before he could continue that train of thought, his eyes wandered over to Garrus Vakarian, with his old armor and without the giant scar on his face. Garrus stared back at him unflinchingly, with curious eyes. And next to him was...

 _No. Not her. It can't be..Tali?!_

Out of everyone he had wronged, he felt he owed Tali'Zorah the most. He had fooled her into loving him, into making him the happiest man in the galaxy. But in the end, it was his own damn fault that she had died.

 _God damn it! Pull yourself together!_

He shook his head and his eyes found the largest member of his crew, who stood far apart from everyone else and kept shooting his shotgun at the water.

 _Urdnot Wrex._ _It's been a long time since I've seen him._

He remembered Wrex had been…...'upset' at the idea of destroying Saren's base since it contained a cure to the genophage.

But he had been unable to calm Wrex down and before he knew it, Ashley had put Wrex down as if he were a rabid dog.

And Wrex's brother, Wreav, had caused him a lot of grief during the war.

 _But Wrex is still alive. They're all still alive…could it stay that way_.

He shocked himself with that thought.

 _Is that…even possible?_ _To change the past?_

But as he smelled the air, looked around at the lush greens of the planet, as well as the dull grey of Saren's base, he realized something.

 _I'm not changing the past. I'm changing the now…_

He still had no idea how he had gotten to Virmire from Earth, had no idea if everything he remembered would come to pass, or how the ghosts of his failures were standing a few yards away, but damned it if he wasn't going to make the most of this opportunity.

* * *

Tali'Zorah nar Rayya was confused.

Well, she was more confused now then she normally was these days.

Her captain, Cody Shepard, had came back from his….. 'nice' ride on the Mako with Garrus and Ashley (whom she noticed Shepard liked to spend a lot of time with).

But upon speaking with the salarian captain, he had gone rigid and started wildly looking around as if he couldn't believe where he was.

Since she was a quarian, she was very good at reading a person's body language, and right now she could tell that Shepard was very uncomfortable. Perhaps…scared?

He had excused himself from the briefing, something he never did, and stood by the Mako.

 _Should…I say something to him?_

Even though he had been very kind to her on the Normandy, kinder than most have been to her people, was it her place to see if he was ok?

 _He would do the same for me._

"Is the Commander okay?" A voice next to her asked and she jumped when she saw the turian, Garrus, standing next to her. "I-I don't know Garrus. He seems...disturbed about something", she told him truthfully.

"I was going to go talk to him. Feel like coming with?"

She smiled behind her mask. "I was just thinking of doing that too."

And with that, Tali resolved her courage and marched over to the Mako with Garrus, very aware of the glare Chief Williams was giving her. Judging by her body language, Tali could tell that Ashley was very infatuated with the commander and got riled up very easily. Garrus, she noticed, seemed to be glaring back at Ashley, putting his talon on her shoulder, which made her blush.

 _He's very protective of me. How sweet._

As they approached the tank, Tali noticed Shepard look at her with fearful eyes. And she saw something else in his green eyes too. Guilt.

 _Why does he seem…scared of me?_

"Commander? Are you alright? You look a little pale. Well, more so than usual" Garrus told Shepard which, despite not seeming to want to, made Shepard grin at Garrus' joke.

"Yeah. I'm fine now", he answered back, looking at the both of them in the eye.

"Are you sure? You looked pretty sick back there", Tali asked, her concern evident in her voice.

Shepard shook his head. "No Tali.", he responded softly. "I just….needed some air. I uh…had a pretty bad headache when I woke up."

He smiled at her and seemed to want to reach his hand out to her but pulled away at the last second. "Don't worry about me guys. I'm better now." He said the last part slowly and walked away from her and Garrus. She turned to see him walking towards the big krogan, Wrex.

"He might not feel so better after talking to an angry krogan", Garrus mumbled under his breath.

* * *

He silently breathed a sigh of relief as he walked away from Tali and Garrus. He walked towards Wrex slowly, now knowing that he was truly in the past. No tricks. No nightmares, no hallucinations. He saw it in their eyes, in Kaidan and Garrus.

Innocent eyes, not yet tempered by war.

The Crucible had shot him back into the past, somehow right when everything started to go wrong. And keeping him from choosing the future of the galaxy.

 _Why did I have to choose? What right do I have to choose the future of the galaxy?!_

He took a deep breath and noticed Tali still watching him. He had long forgotten that she was too observant for her own good.

 _Don't! No time! Gotta…_ No. There is time. There is so much time. Time to think.

 _Plan!_ He suddenly stopped walking.

 _I'm….going to talk to Wrex…To what? Have Ashley shoot him again?!_

He spotted Ashley to the side and Kaidan at his other side.

 _No. I will **not** watch him die again._

He walked over to Kaidan, who turned to face him curiously. "Commander? Are you ok?"

He nodded. "Yes. But that's not important. Listen, I'm going to talk to Wrex. You will keep an eye on Lieutenant Williams."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow before looking at Ashley then back at him confused. "Ashley? What for?"

"Just keep her from doing anything stupid, alright?" Kaidan looked unsure still but nodded firmly.

He breathed heavily, mentally preparing himself, before walking to Wrex was, where he could practically feeling the anger rolling off of the krogan in waves.

"This isn't right Shepard!" Wrex rumbled in his deep voice. "If there's a cure for the genophage, we can't destroy it!"

 _He said the exact same thing before…_ He decided to stick to what he remembered for now, for fear of upsetting the huge krogan.

"I understand you're upset, but we both know Saren is the real enemy here! He's the one you should be angry with!"

Wrex stood in front of him and cast his mighty glare upon him.

"Really? Saren created a cure for my people, you want to destroy it! Help me out here Shepard", Wrex pleaded. "The lines between friend and foe are getting a little blurry from where I stand."

"This isn't a cure, it's a weapon!" He explained, trying to explain the true purpose of Saren's cure. But he was slowly getting frustrated with the krogan. "And if Saren is allowed to use it, you won't be around to reap the benefits! None of us will!"

While he spoke, he kept Ashley in view out of the corner of his eye.

"That's a chance we should be willing to take", Wrex passionately argued, getting in close to his face. "This is the fate of my entire people we are talking about!"

 _His people._ Memories of Tuchanka during the war sprang to mind, of what he had done that day.

 _Wreav doomed his own people, not me! I don't owe them anything..._

"I've been loyal to you so far; hell, you did more for me than my family ever did!" Wrex rumbled. He frowned at the peculiar words before realization struck him like an iron fist.

 _Of course! I've already helped him recover his family's armor! He actually trusts me here. I need to use that to my advantage!_

"But, if I'm going to keep following you, I need to know we're doing it for the right reasons", Wrex said and drew his shotgun.

Without thinking, he automatically drew his pistol and aimed at Wrex. The angry, rational part of him wanted to put Wrex down just for being insubordinate and aiming his weapon at a superior officer.

 _No…no. I'm done watching friends die. I want him alive._

He sighed before putting his weapon away, earning a strange look from Wrex.

 _I'm putting my trust in you, big guy. Don't make me regret it._

"Wrex these krogan are not your people! They're slave of Saren! Tools! Is that what you want for them?"

For a second, he thought he had gone too far, but Wrex was quiet, considering his words. He had half expected Wrex to try and shoot him, or to just ignore him altogether.

"No", Wrex rumbled, bringing him out of his musings. "We were tools for the Council once. To thank us for wiping out the Rachni they neutered us all. I doubt Saren will be as generous."

To his immense surprise and shock, Wrex sheathed his weapon. "Alright Shepard, you've made your point. I don't like this, but I trust you enough to follow your lead. Just one thing: when we find Saren, I want his head!"

For a long moment, he didn't do anything. Say anything. He just stared at Wrex.

 _Did that…actually just work?_ _I…saved him? Wrex is alive?!_ He blinked once, just to make sure what he was seeing was correct. Wrex was indeed still standing, no gaping hole in the back of his head. And he was also staring.

Composing himself, he stuck his hand out to Wrex.

"He'll get what's coming to him. I'll personally make sure of that." Wrex nodded firmly, a steel look in his eyes, and shook his hand.

 _This is really happening._

They both headed back towards the command tent, where he noticed Ashley glaring at Alenko, who was holding her arm. Upon seeing the two of them however, Kaidan released his grip on her.

"What happened here Lieutenant?" He asked the two of them as the rest of the crew gathered near the command tent. "Chief Williams here tried to head off towards you and Wrex."

"I needed to watch Shepard's back!" Ashley complained which earned her a glare from Kaidan.

"My back doesn't need to be watched, Gunnery Chief", he coldly told her. She paled under his intense gaze.

"Thank you Kaidan. Don't worry, Wrex and I got everything sorted out." He heard Wrex grunt in agreement next to him. He still couldn't fathom that Wrex was next to him, alive!

"Thank you for speaking with the krogan", he heard someone say and he turned around to see Kirrahe watching him.

 _He died too during the assault. Could...I save him too? I saved Wrex, why not Kirrahe?_

"The assault on Saren's base will be difficult enough as it is."

 _Stick to the script for now. There is too much going on now. Worry about that later._

"I assume that means you've come up with a plan?" He asked the salarian, gesturing to the rest of his crew to join them for the briefing. "Of sorts. We can convert our ship's drive system into a twenty kiloton ordnance. Crude, but effective", the captain explained.

"Nice! Drop that nuke from orbit and Saren can kiss his turian ass goodbye", Ashley cut in and he found his anger rising at her.

 _Is this a joke to her?! I'd shoot her now if I didn't need her for this!_ "-we'll need to place the bomb in a precise location", the Captain finished.

"Where do we take the nuke? And how do we get there?"

"The bomb must be placed on the far side of the facility. Your ship can drop it off but we'll need to infiltrate the base, disable the AA guns and pacify any ground forces first."

"You want us to go in on foot? We don't have enough men", Kaidan cut in.

"It does sound a bit risky. Is there no other way?"

"No, but I think we can work around that. I'm going to divide my men into three teams and hit the front of the facility. While we've got their attention, you can sneak your shadow team in the back."

"Your people will get slaughtered"! He exclaimed, remembering the last time Kirrahe and his squad had perished in combat. "We're tougher than we look, Commander. But it's true. I don't expect many of us will make it out alive. And that makes what I'm going to ask even more difficult. I need one of your men to accompany me. To help coordinate the teams."

"I volunteer Commander", Kaidan sharply stated, standing at attention. "Not so fast, LT. Commander Shepard will need you to arm the nuke. I'll go with the salarians", Ashley said.

"With all due respect, Gunnery Chief-" Kaidan began but Ashley cut him off. "Why is it that whenever someone says with all due respect they really mean kiss my ass?"

"Enough!" He cut in, tired of their arguing. "Alenko, you'll go with the captain. No heroics understood?"

"Aye aye Commander." "I will have the ordnance loaded onto the Normandy and brief your crew on its detonation sequence", Kirrahe said. "Any questions before we go Commander?"

He took a deep breath. "Let's do this."

 _The first strike against the Reapers. Again. Lets get it right this time._

"Excellent. If you'll excuse me, I need to prepare my men." And with that, Kirrahe walked over to his men, who had crowded in front of the main command tent. He didn't need to hear the captain to know what he was saying.

 _Hold the line…_

"Well, this is it. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone L.T. You too Commander", Ashely said to him and Kaidan. "We'll be fine. You'll see", Kaidan reassured her. "

Yeah, I just…good luck", Ashley started to say.

 _Does she know something?_ He thought, startled. _No, how can she? I don't even know what's really going on!_

"Something you wanna say Chief?" He cautiously asked her, his thoughts racing. "I….it's nothing. It's just weird being apart from you guys. I've gotten used to all of you", she said and he relaxed. But only a little.

"Don't worry. We'll see you on the other side", Kaidan said gently. "Help Kirrahe's men with the bomb on the Normandy." He told her and she nodded before glancing at the rest of the crew, who were starting to come over.

"You sure you'll be okay with just the aliens Commander?" He narrowed his eyes at her.

 _Well, considering I'm not condemning the rest of them to death, I'll be very ok._

"Yes. It's high time we started trusting our new allies", he said in a neutral voice, playing the part of Commander Shepard. Ashley sighed at that before heading back to the Normandy while the rest of the crew surrounded him.

"So, Commander", Garrus spoke up, gesturing to the rest of the crew. "Who do you want to take point with you?" He snorted in amusement.

"Forget that. All hands on deck for this one!"

* * *

"Comm check do you read me Commander?" The voice of Captain Kirrahe buzzed painfully in his ear, reminding him of the battle he had just been whisked away from.

 _Our entire force was decimated_... "Loud and clear", he replied.

"Good. We'll start our push. We'll try to make it to the AA guns but it might be up to you to finish the job." _We need to regroup! Fall back to the bulidings!_

He shook his head, almost missing Kirrahe's next words. "And Commander? If you see any way to undermine their defenses, we could definitely use the help."

 _You bet your salarian ass you'll be getting some help_.

He gestured for his team to follow him and pulled out his assault rifle, just now noticing how it didn't have thermal clips.

 _Great. Outdated guns. Just what I needed._

"Shadow is on the ground. Repeat: Shadow is on the ground." From that moment on, the Commander tuned out Kirrahe's voice and focused on the task ahead of him.

"Alright, let's move out", he said to his team and they quickly sloshed through the watery surface. He spotted an outpost crawling with geth ahead of him and the group.

 _Geth…I forgot about them._

The Commander almost paused as he and his crew charged the outpost, preoccupied with thoughts of the geth. But he quickly regained ground and joined his team as they demolished the entire outpost garrison.

"Over there Commander", Liara pointed towards a console. He ran up to it and quickly disrupted the Geth's communications. "Nice work Commander. Now they won't be able to contact each other for help", Garrus said. He turned to face his squad, who looked at him waiting for orders.

"Let's keep moving and help the captain's squad."

As they trudged through the slushes of Virmire, he was reminded of how well his old team fought together. They had no trouble liberating several more outposts from the geth, disrupting their satellite uplinks in the process, before the main compound was in sight.

He found he could understand this situation better once he started fighting, not when he had time to think.

 _There's no time to think._

"Aircraft heading to perimeter stations to recharge. Bunker up before they come back!" Kaidan's voice blared out in his ear.

"We have to take out those fighter! Move it people!" He shouted and they crossed the multiple bridges to reach a fueling station with several geth fighters hovering above it.

Without the hesitation from before, he shot the fuel tank right below the fighters and blew them all to pieces. The group advanced from the fueling station to right in front of the main compound and spread out as a mix of krogan and geth fired upon them.

He was just taking up position when a krogan started rushing towards him. "Woah there big guy", he muttered before quickly diving out of the krogan's way and quickly spraying it with bullets.

 _These krogan are like animals. No different than Wreav's krogan followers._

Once the entrance was cleared, he nodded at his team, who readied their weapons before entering the compound. "Holding ground. Jaeto, around me. Shadow team must be getting close", Kaidan said in his ear.

Once inside, he ordered Garrus to take point and find a security console, while he and the others followed behind watching for any enemies. "We've got access to base security. We should be able to cut the alarms from here. "Might be able to trigger alarms on the far side of the base. It'll clear the guards out for us but it might be too much for the salarian team can handle."

He shook his head. "Just disable the alarms. We can handle any guards inside."

"Well at least we don't lack for confidence", Ashley added with a smile. That got a chuckle out of the group. Instead of joining them, he was focused on the interior of the base.

They entered inside and were immediately attacked by geth destroyers. "Watch your fire"! He shouted, spotting explosive containers nearby. One of the destroyers charged him but before it could reach him, it exploded in a shower of sparks.

 _Tali…_ he thought to himself as he nodded at her gratefully. He turned just in time to see a organic body fall in front of him. Upon further inspection he noticed it was a salarian.

 _Ah. The indoctrinated salarians…_ He had forgotten all about this part of the mission. But now, as the indoctrinated salarians rushed his crew, all the horrible details came back to him. The salarians had no formations or strategy and rushed at them with meager pistols.

He knocked one to the ground and put his boot on its chest while it flailed around like a wild animal. He coldly stared down at the writing salarian before emptying his gun straight into its head.

 _If I'm going to save the galaxy again, then there'll be more where that came from._


	3. Valor

Virmire, 2183

Tali watched Shepard as he stood in front of the salarian prisoners.

They had come across a number of sealed prison cells while in Saren's compound and discovered several salarian soldiers inside the cells. There was one by himself while there was a small group of them standing clumped together.

What unnerved Tali about the pack of salarians was that they milled around and when they noticed the armed group, they only smiled at them.

 _Keelah, those must be the salarian captain's missing men. No wonder he was worried._

"Well you're not a geth. And you're not wearing a lab coat. I guess I'm glad to see you", said one of the prisoners.

"Lieutenant Ganto Imness of the Third Infiltration Regiment, captured during recon. I assume the fleet was called in to destroy the base?"

"The transmission wasn't clear. The fleet is not coming."

"I see. Then you must be the infiltration team. I know the captain. He will want this facility destroyed. My team was altered, indoctrinated. He knew about the breeding grounds. But the indoctrination is a greater threat, and far more horrifying."

"You don't have to tell me" Shepard muttered to himself.

"I watched good people reduced to mindless husks", Imness explained, gesturing to the overly friendly group of salarians who watched them curiously. "There wasn't anything left. Others died during the experiments. I envy them."

Tali suddenly felt very sick, which for once had nothing to do with the environment. _What has Saren done to these poor men?_

"Do you know anything about the experiments they were conducting?" Shepard asked.

"They were studying indoctrination. Symptoms, progress. Saren uses it to control his people but I don't think he fully understands it. I don't know much else. I just saw what it did to the others. Turned them into empty husks. I can't end up like that. Please-let me out!"

She watched Shepard who stared back at the salarian impassively. After a moment, he made his decision.

"I'm letting you out of your cell but then you're on your own."

"Don't look back and hope to avoid the blast, hmm? A better chance than I had before you showed up."

Shepard opened the cell door and the salarian calmly stepped out. "Thank you, human. And good luck. You'll need it."

Shepard watched the salarian run off before turning to the other prisoners, the one who wandered their cell and looked harmless.

"There's nothing left of them", Garrus stated with certainty. "They look docile. Their minds are gone", Tali spoke up for the first time since entering the base.

 _They're so empty_ , she thought to herself as she watched them pace their cell peacefully.

"Why did Saren do this?! It's cruel beyond measure!" Liara exclaimed in horror, looking to Shepard, who continued to only stare at the indoctrinated prisoners.

"This is no way to treat a prisoner", Wrex lamented, which surprised Tali. She didn't think he was capable of feeling any sympathy towards anyone, let alone salarians. Then again, she didn't think Shepard would be able to talk him down either.

"Kill them sure, but to leave them like this..." Wrex trailed off, shaking his head in disgust.

"Better to die than to live like this", Shepard spoke softly, startling Tali from her own thoughts.

"Just kill them where they stand? Are you sure Shepard?" Liara asked him.

"I couldn't agree more Shepard. It's what I would want", Wrex agreed with him before Shepard opened the cell door.

Tali couldn't believe what was about to happen and yet, she could believe it all the same. _Don't look away. Your father will know if you do_ , her Auntie Raan had told her once when she had been forced to watch an infiltrator aboard the flotilla be executed.

Shepard almost seemed to hesitate before pulling out his pistol and shooting all of the prisoners in the head. _Father almost seemed to enjoy executions. But not Shepard…_ As she watched the prisoners fall to the floor of their cell, she could see Shepard grimacing and almost recoiling in disgust.

"You alright Commander?" Tali softly asked Shepard, using formalities in front of the crew. He glanced over at her, seemingly surprised that she would ask him that. "Yeah. It's alright. Let's…just keep moving."

* * *

The team arrived at the entrance to Saren's lab and he felt apprehension about facing another Reaper so soon after the hellhole that was Earth.

 _Sovereign talked a big game, but the Alliance brought it down. Hell, even a damn thresher maw killed one of them too._

He felt himself almost smile at the memory of Kalros vs a Reaper.

It was one of the only memories that made him feel all warm and fuzzy. He was driven out of his thoughts when someone shouted "Don't shoot! Please, I just want to get out of here before it's too late!"

He focused his gaze and found an asari coming out from behind a desk.

He narrowed his eyes at her. He found himself back in thoughts, finding this woman familiar. _Where have I seen this woman before?_

"Everyone in this place has been trying to kill us", Ashley said.

"Do I look like a soldier? I'm a neurospecialist, and this job isn't worth dying over! Or worse!" The asari shouted, now looking hysterical. "Do you think the indoctrination only affects prisoners? Sooner or later Saren will want to dissect my brain too!"

"Give me one reason I should help you", he growled at her and she quivered in fear at his glare.

"I..I can help you! This elevator behind me goes to Saren's private lab and I can get you in!" She turned away from the group and activated the door behind her.

As she did so, he now remembered the asari in full detail.

 _I remember her! Rana Thanoptis, or something like that. I let her live before, but I saw her again on Korlus._ He remembered Korlus, the junkyard world where he had met the mad warlord Okeer. She had helped him then and then something happened to her during the war but he couldn't quite recall.

"See? Full access. All of Saren's private files!" Rana made her way towards the group who still had their hands on their weapons. "Are we good? Can I go?"

He wanted to shoot her but something held him back. Something he needed to know first.

"What exactly were you studying here?" He asked her.

"It's that ship, Sovereign. It emits some kind of signal. Undetectable, but its there. I've seen the effects. Saren uses it to influence his followers, to control them. It's called indoctrination."

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. _Yeah I know that already hurry it up._

 _"_ Direct exposure to the signal turns you into a mindless slave, like the salarian test subjects. But there's collateral damage too."

He frowned. "Why is Saren researching this?"

"The signal comes from the ship and it makes us obey Saren but I don't think he controls it. Not exactly. I think he's…..scared it might be affecting him."

 _Is he? I don't think I remember this side of Saren from before. Either I didn't ask or I didn't care. Probably the latter._

"Indoctrination is subtle and by the time the effects become noticeable it's usually too late."

 _Ok that's enough prattling. I've got what I need._

"You conducted brutal experiments on helpless test subjects! You helped Saren. You don't get to live", he said to Rana and she grew angry.

"I just did what I was told! I-"

"How many crimes have been excused by that line?" He calmly asked her and her mouth froze mid-sentence.

He pulled out his pistol and she screamed "No! No!" Rana fell to the floor with a bullet in her chest, slowly bleeding out onto the office floor.

He blinked once and he saw the Illusive Man, his face still half husk, also slowly bleeding out on the ground. He blinked again and he was back on Virmire, staring at the asari's corpse. _What the hell?!_

"L-let's keep moving", he shakily announced and they together moved through the office, soon reaching an elevator.

"How are we getting on there, Shepard? We can't all fit on there. Uh, no offense", Garrus said, looking over at Wrex, who huffed and glared at the turian.

"We'll go down in groups of three. Garrus, you, me, and Tali will go first, followed by Ashley, Liara, and Wrex." Garrus and Tail nodded, stepping into the elevator with him.

 _Well, I guess it's time to face Sovereign again._ As the elevator stopped, the trio stepped out and into Saren's lab.

One thing caught his eye however. "Shepard look! A Prothean beacon! Just like the one you found on Eden Prime!" Garrus exclaimed and they walked together towards it to get a closer look.

 _Damn, this is not gonna be good._ He felt only apprehension as he approached the Prothean beacon.

He stood in front of the beacon, seeing Garrus and Tali stare at him almost expectantly. _I guess they're expecting me to do something._

He took a deep breath and took one step forward before his mind was assaulted with awful images.

Visions he hadn't seen in years, of the Protheans demise, the Collectors, and of course the Reapers. All of these together painfully compressed his mind, making him grimace in pain.

And just like that, the disturbing vision was over and he opened his eyes, breathing hard. With help from Tali and Garrus, he got to his feet to see the Prothean beacon shut itself off. _I hate those so much_.

He and the other two walked to the catwalk above the Prothean beacon and the red hologram he was expecting appeared as they approached.

"You are not Saren", it stated in a deep, monotone voice.

"What is that? Some kind of VI interface?" Garrus asked. _Oh, how that would be so much easier._

"Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh. You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding".

"I don't think this is a VI", Tali told Garrus.

"There is a realm of existence so beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign!"

"You aren't a Reaper ship, are you? You're an actual Reaper!" He spoke for the first time, taking special care to make sure he seemed ignorant like the others.

"Reaper? A label created by the Protheans to give voice to their destruction. In the end, what they choose to call us is irrelevant. We simply are".

"The Protheans vanished 50,000 years ago. You couldn't have been there. It's impossible!" Garrus said.

"Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation. An accident. Your lives are measured in years and decades. You wither and die. We are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence."

 _Synthetics must be allowed to evolve. By definition, synthetics must surpass their creators. The result is destruction, conflict, chaos._ The words of the damned Catalyst came back to him.

"Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything."

He sneered at Sovereign in disgust. "Whatever you plan is it's going to fail. I'll make sure of it."

"Confidence born of ignorance. The cycle cannot be broken."

"Cycle? What cycle?" Tali asked it.

"The pattern has repeated itself more times than you can fathom. Organic civilizations rise, evolve, advance. And at the apex of their glory, they are extinguished. The Protheans were not the first. They did not create the Citadel. They did not forge the mass relays. They merely found them, the legacy of my kind."

"Why would you construct the mass relays then leave them for someone else to find?" He asked.

"Your civilization is based on the technology of the mass relays, our technology. By using it, your society develops along the paths we desire. We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution."

 _Solution? To what problem?_ He remembered asking the Catalyst. _Chaos_ , it had replied.

"You exist because we allow it. And you will end because we demand it."

"They are harvesting us! Letting us advance to the level they need then wiping us out!" He heard Liara exclaim, which surprised him since he had not heard the elevator arrive from the above floor.

He glared straight at Sovereign, not afraid in the slightest of it or its brethren he knew were waiting in dark space.

"I know who you are. What you are", he said in a low voice, not aware of his crew watching him. "You think you can continue this cycle of yours? Maybe you can. But I don't care. All I care about is making sure I kill every last one of you. Even if it takes me with you, or the whole damn galaxy I will kill you", he finished, almost shouting. _I'll kill all of those fuckers till I die if that's what it takes._

"Your words are as empty as your future. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over", just as Sovereign finished, the windows in the lab blew out, startling everyone in the room.

"Commander! We got trouble!" Said a familiar voice in his ear. _Joker! Last time I spoke to him, we were saying goodbye..._

"Hit me Joker." He said, trying to avoid remembering.

"That ship, Sovereign? It's moving. I don't know what you did down there but that thing just pulled a turn that would shear any of our ships in half. It's coming your way and it's coming hard! You need to wrap things up in there-fast"!

"This console is dead. What next Shepard?" Garrus asked him, eyeing him somewhat warily along with the rest of the crew. Not that he could blame the turian. Or any of them.

"We blow this place to hell."

* * *

Garrus liked to think he was good at figuring people out.

Years as a C-Sec agent taught him how to read people, whether or not they could potentially be a threat or not. Of course, with C-Sec being C-Sec, you couldn't actually do anything about it until it was too late.

But Commander Shepard was something different entirely. Garrus thought he had the Commander figured out right away when he first joined the Normandy crew back on the Citadel.

The Commander didn't seem to have too much depth to him, wearing his emotions on his sleeve and rushing headfirst into any situation. Garrus didn't blame him. After all, he was like that too, well to a degree.

But after they had landed on Virmire, something had changed in the Commander. Garrus noticed that he had done a double take while talking with Captain Kirrahe and had retreated back to the Mako. He seemed very shaken by something, perhaps an epiphany he had about Saren or the Prothean vision.

As he watched the nuclear bomb be placed down on the ground by the human female (Ashley Williams, her name was), Garrus remembered the Commander coming to see him as he tinkered with the Mako in the down time between missions.

They had talked about Garrus and his past but not much was talked of about Shepard's own past. _That is a little strange. Maybe he hasn't talked about it to me since_

 _I'm a turian. Turians and humans do have a lot of bad blood between them…_

But Shepard didn't strike him as that type of person, mistrusting someone due to their race, even now. He seemed to enjoy his company and Garrus had seen him converse with the big krogan Wrex and even more so the young quarian Tali.

Indeed, it was Tali who had first approached the Commander after he had gone to the Mako. He seemed to calm down with her next to him.

"Bomb is in position, we're all set her-" Garrus' attention was drawn away from his thoughts when he heard an alarmed voice blare through his comlink. "Commander! Do you read me?"

The Commander raised his hand to his ear. "The nuke is almost ready. Get to the rendezvous point Alenko!"

"Negative, Commander! The geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We're taking heavy casualties. We'll never make the rendezvous point in time." Garrus heard the Commander curse.

"Can we bring in the Normandy for a pick up?" "Negative. It's too hot! You can't risk it. We'll hold them off for as long as we-" Ashley spoke up for the first time.

"It's okay, Commander. I need a couple of minutes to finish arming the nuke. Go get them and meet me back here."

The Commander nodded and turned to Wrex and Liara T'Soni. "Get back to the Normandy. Garrus and Tali, with me to the AA tower. Move!" And move they did.

He noticed the Commander take one look back at Williams before making him and Tali hustle to Kaidan's position, driving all questions and thoughts from his mind about Commander Shepard.

* * *

Tali saw the Geth ship flying overhead before the others did.

"Commander! Geth are sending in reinforcements our way!"

He looked up at the ship as it passed right over their heads. "Not our way", she heard him mutter just as their comlinks buzzed with Alenko's voice once again.

"Chief, we just spotted a troop ship inbound to your location."

"It's already here and it's bleeding geth all over the bomb site." Ashley Williams said.

"Can you hold them off?" Shepard asked her, moving away from Tali and Garrus to stand alone, his back to them.

"There's too many. I don't think we can hold them", Ashley's voice was trembling but strong. "I'm activating the nuke."

"What the hell are you doing Williams?"

"Making sure this bomb goes off no matter what. It's done Commander. Go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here!"

Tali couldn't believe what was happening. The whole mission had gone from bad to worse in the blink of an eye.

"Belay that. We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams."

There was a slight pause as she watched Shepard deliberate amongst himself. But it was only a slight pause. "Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the AA tower."

"Yes, Commander. I…" "You know it's the right choice, LT." Shepard turned around and his face was ashen and stony.

"I'm sorry…Ash. I had to make a choice." "I understand Commander. I don't regret a thing. It's…been an honor to serve under you Commander."

Shepard turned his eyes to her and looked away just as quickly.

"Let's move." Was all he said and before she knew what she was doing, Tali walked up to the Commander.

"Shepard…"

"Move!" He shouted, not meeting her eyeline, and before long they all continued on their brisk pace they had earlier.

 _Poor Shepard. No one should've had to make a choice like that…_

* * *

Once the three of them reached the AA tower, he immediately opened fire on the geth troopers.

He could see Captain Kirrahe still alive out of the corner of his eye. Another miracle in of itself but he was too focused on making sure he killed all the geth on top of the tower.

 _I killed her. Again._

Movement in the sky distracted him from his thoughts and as he turned his eyes to a figure riding a hoverboard of sorts. An eerily familiar figure.

 _Saren._

The turian looked the same as he remembered. The glowing eyes glared at him and Saren flung a biotic blast at him, causing destruction all over on the tower. He leaped out of the way and hid next to a wall.

He could hear Saren approaching him, he could hear the turian's growls and clinking of his armor. But the noises stopped after a moment.

"I applaud you Shepard", the fanged voice made him cringe internally. He had forgotten how Saren's voice had sounded.

"My geth were utterly convinced the salarians were the real threat. An impressive diversion."

 _Your geth? I don't think they see it that way…_

"Of course, it was all for nothing. I can't let you disrupt what I have accomplished here. You can't possibly understand what's really at stake."

"Yes I do." He spoke for the first time.

"You think you're trying to save the galaxy by allying with the Reapers, don't you?"

There was a pause. Perhaps what he had said had startled Saren.

"It's true. You've seen the visions from the beacon, Shepard. You, of all people, should understand what the Reapers are capable of. They cannot be stopped."

"Yes they can." He said, turning to face the turian.

The turian paused for a moment, seeing the look in the Commander's eye.

"The Reapers are coming, no matter what either of us do. But they **can** be stopped! It'll take all of us, but it can be done!"

Saren shook his head. "The Protheans tried to fight and were utterly destroyed. Trillions dead. But what if they had bowed before the invaders? Would the Protheans still exist? Is submission not preferable to extinction?"

This made him frustrated. "The Reapers won't let us live! Don't you understand?! They'll unleash an apocalypse so thorough even you won't survive!"

"But Sovereign needs me!" Saren shouted indignantly. "If I find the Conduit, I've been promised a reprieve from the inevitable. This is my only hope."

"No it isn't! Together we can stop Sovereign. We don't have to submit to the Reapers. We can beat them!" He surprised himself with his own words.

Was he truly offering an alliance with Saren Arterius?

"I no longer believe that, Shepard. The visions cannot be denied. The Reapers are too powerful. The only hope of survival is to join with them. I'm forging an alliance between us and the Reapers. Between organics and machines. And in doing so, I will save more lives than have ever existed."

He resignedly shook his head at that.

 _So that's it then. Saren thinks himself a hero. But there are no heroes in war…_

* * *

Ashley and a small squadron of soldiers from the Normandy held the bombsite for as long as they could, but the geth just kept on coming.

The bomb had been activated and it was now down to her to protect it. She was wounded but she didn't care. She couldn't let the geth deactivate the bomb! She had to do her duty.

 _Even if it kills me…_

She lay next to the bomb, shooting at any geth that dared to go near her. In the corner of her eye, she noticed the Normandy taking off from the planet.

She smiled.

 _Thank you Shepard. Thank you for the greatest adventure I ever went on. I hope I do you proud. I hope I do humanity proud…_

As she shot the last geth, a blinding flash was the last thing she saw.


	4. Realization

Normandy SR-1, 2183

The briefing had been short.

Kaidan was upset the most over Ashley's death and was quite close to lashing out. He didn't know what to say to Kaidan or anyone else for that matter, other than to dismiss them all. Leaving him alone to deliver their report.

"Sovereign's the real problem here. The Reapers wiped out the Protheans. We're next." He explained to the Council.

 _Ah. The Council. The most important fools in the galaxy._

He remembered his own time with the Council well. Every time he brought up the Reapers they cowered in fear and scolded him for daring to tell the truth.

"Yes, we saw mention of this on your report. Sovereign. A sentient machine. A true artificial intelligence. This news is quite alarming…if it turns out to be accurate." The salarian councilor, Valern, hesitantly spoke.

"Saren admitted Sovereign was real. I spoke to the damn thing myself!"

"He's playing you Shepard! Saren still has contacts on the Citadel. He probably saw your earlier reports. The ones talking about your vision. And the Reapers." The turian councilor, Sparatus, scolded him.

"It's highly possible Saren is using false information to throw you off balance. Our own intelligence has never turned up any corroborating information." Valern spoke up again.

"Of course not!" He shouted, losing his temper once again with them. "Sovereign is more than intelligent enough to avoid you and your agents. It's probably been studying organic transmissions for years. Your intelligence means nothing to it. I tried to warn you about Saren. You didn't believe me then, and look how that turned out!"

"I believe you humans have a saying", Sparatus drawled. "Even a broken clock is right twice a day."

He scowled at the turian councilor, his anger getting the better of him. "Here's another saying: go to hell!"

Sparatus gave no reaction other than a twitch of his mandibles.

"Maybe we were wrong about you, Shepard. Maybe humans are too hot-headed to be Spectres."

"Enough!" The asari councilor, Tevos, intervened. "Commander Shepard has performed admirably so far. This…discussion…is only a minor disagreement."

A small button on the console drew his eye. _Tempting…ah what the hell._

"Aww. Looks like we lost the signal Joker", he said in a disappointed tone.

"Understood Commander."

* * *

He exited the communications room to a ship full of people bustling around, attending to their posts.

It startled him, since he had entered the ship through the cargo bay on Virmire and had not seen them at the time. It was so unlike the Normandy he had just left behind over Earth. Everyone had been quietly huddled around their monitors, speaking only in whispers and never speaking at all when he was on deck.

 _Fear kept them in line. The only people that weren't afraid of me were Liara and Joker._

He still remembered the intense shouting matches he and Joker often got into, over Thessia and Tuchanka, to the point of him and Joker exchanging a frosty goodbye as he went down to the surface of Earth.

 _We parted on bad terms. I wonder if he's still flying the SR-2 Normandy right now. I wonder if the battle is still going on…_

The thought of the Reapers still tearing apart the allied forces of the galaxy, with them still waiting for him to activate the Crucible, to perform a miracle, was too much to comprehend.

He felt sick to his stomach and quickly walked off to the lavatories with as much authority as he could muster. The crew looked at him, mostly with sympathetic faces, so unlike his SR-2 crew who tried not to notice him and went about their work. But all thinking the same thing. Wondering when the Commander would finally crack.

He finally reached the restroom and locked the door behind him. He let out a huge sigh before walking over to the lone mirror.

He looked very clean and orderly, so unlike the last time he looked at himself in a mirror.

 _Which was right after Rannoch…_

He looked exactly like Commander Shepard.

The man who had saved the Citadel. The man who destroyed the Collector threat.

The man who entered the Reaper War hopeful of victory.

A different man now walked away from that same war.

He examined his appearance in the mirror. During the later part of the war, he hadn't bothered with keeping himself presentable. His hair grew down almost to his shoulders and he sported a beard. Usually people didn't care since he normally wore a helmet.

But now looking into the mirror, it truly hit him.

He was truly in his past. He looked like Shepard, yet somehow he didn't feel like him.

He somehow had all of his future memories but lived in a time he had already lived through.

He noticed a drop of blood on his face and quickly wiped it off.

 _Can't have that. Gotta look like the Commander._

He blinked once and the spot of blood was there again. He frowned and wiped it off again.

But as he wiped it off, more blood appeared on his face. Growling, he tried wiping off the blood harder.

But the more he wiped, the more blood started appearing on him. Half his face was covered in blood but he still kept trying to wipe it off, now starting to panic.

 _What's happening to me?! Am I going crazy?!_

Before long, the blood covered and kept pouring down his entire face and he stopped wiping himself to stare. He stared at his bloody face, somehow knowing that none of it was his own.

 _Their deaths are my fault. My fault. No one else's._

He had been avoiding remembering his past for as long as he could remember, and now, ironically, he was trapped in it.

He reached a hand to his face and instead of trying to wipe away, he only brought a finger to touch his face. He looked down at his finger but there was not a trace of blood on it. He looked back up to the mirror and his face was as clear as day.

No more blood.

 _I may look like the hero Commander Shepard_ , he pondered to himself. _But in reality, I'm still a monster. I'm still me. Not Shepard. Not anymore. Commander Shepard died on Rannoch. Now I wear his skin and identity._

But as he stared down himself once more, he found himself remembering. Not the horrible ends of his crewmates as he was used to, but the good times they shared together. Even his suicide squad crewmates had good times with him. The guilt of letting them all die made him harden his resolve.

 _They'll not die again. Not on my watch. I'll die before I let them die again!_

And so with that final thought, he left the lavatory with a grim, but new, sense of purpose.

* * *

His first stop was to Alenko's station next to the Med-bay. He needed to see how Kaidan was doing after Ashley.

Kaidan saw him coming and turned to face him.

"Anything you need Commander?"

"Kaidan, about Ash…" He felt guilty just saying her nickname, feeling as if he never truly knew the woman that had just died on Virmire, but he needed Kaidan to know he was on his side.

"Dealing, sir. Sorry for anything I said back there. Adrenaline."

Normally, if he had been on the SR-2, any crew who had an attitude problem would've been punished severely. But this wasn't the SR-2 anymore.

And he wasn't with a bunch of strangers anymore.

"I understand. I...don't like losing people either", he hesitantly admitted.

"I've served for years, but never lost a soldier under my command. Not to hostile action, anyway. If you don't mind my asking, how did you deal with the losses on Torfan?"

The question caught him somewhat by surprise.

He hadn't thought about Torfan in…well, since he was on the SR-1. Back then, he was ashamed of what he had done there. Compared to what he did later in life though, Torfan seemed like child's play.

 _The Butcher of Torfan, they called me_ , he recalled. _Perhaps where I came from they'll call me the Butcher of the Galaxy._

He had been ordered to lead his unit into a batarian outpost, in retaliation of the Skyllian Blitz, and had killed every batarian he had laid eyes on. At the cost of many men in his unit.

"I lost it, that day Kaidan", he said, looking Kaidan in the eyes.

"I was angry at the batarians because of the Blitz. I wanted payback for humanity. I didn't stop shooting until they were all dead, even the ones who surrendered, and my men paid the price for it. I lost sight of the mission and I failed to get everyone out of there. I vowed not to let that happen again. Same here. I'll remember her best I can, and I'll do better for her."

Kaidan lowered his eyes. "Yeah, I guess that's all we can do. Thanks for the advice sir."

There was an awkward pause as he considered what to say.

"We'll talk another time, Lieutenant."

Kaidan nodded. "Commander."

 _Always the formal one, that one._

He made his way to the lift and impatiently waited for it to reach the cargo bay. _Damn everything is so slow!_

Once the lift reached the cargo bay, he stepped out to find Kirrahe and what was left of his men standing near him.

"It was an honor working with you, Commander Shepard", Kirrahe said once he noticed him. "Despite the losses, our mission was a success. Chief Williams' actions will not go unnoticed. Her sacrifice has earned humanity a great deal of respect from my people."

He lowered his eyes. "Ashley was a fine soldier. She knew what the risks were, but she did what she had to do."

Kirrahe nodded in acceptance. "Of course. A grim reality every soldier must accept. Rest assured Commander, my men and I will not forget what you have accomplished here. We will leave your ship as soon as you reach your next destination. Perhaps we will have the chance to work together again someday."

He nodded, understanding the hidden meaning behind the captain's words.

 _I like this guy._

"Perhaps, captain." "Commander", a deep voice rumbled and he turned to see Wrex heading towards him.

Kirrahe excused himself to be with his men while Wrex stared him down. _This can't be good..._

"Commander. Things got heated back on Virmire…You did what you had to do. I respect your choice." _Oh..._ Again, Wrex continued to surprise him.

"I appreciate what you did Wrex. I won't forget it." He told the krogan sincerely.

"Just make sure it was worth it", Wrex rumbled. "Saren has to pay for what he's done."

"We'll find him. No matter what it takes, I'm going to hunt him down and kill him", he vowed to Wrex, who nodded his head approvingly.

"I like the sound of that." He nodded at the krogan before turning his gaze to the engine room.

 _She's in there…_ He desperately wanted to speak to her, to Tali. He was tempted even to tell her the truth, to confess everything. But he couldn't. So he didn't.

 _I'_ _m afraid. How about that? The one thing Commander Shepard is afraid of…_

He turned to head back to the upper deck, wanting to see what their next destination was. While he did so, he failed to notice a pair of turian eyes watching him intently.

* * *

Tali stood at her usual console down in engineering.

She had gotten used to the quiet hum of the engines, which had used to keep her from sleeping. But now, it was very distracting. She hadn't known Ashley Williams too well compared to the rest of the crew, especially Commander Shepard.

But they had watched out for each other during fire fights, and both had bonded over their mutual hatred of the geth. Ashley had been attracted to the Commander, something Tali could not fault her in the slightest for, and had somewhat competed for his attention.

But he had seemed to enjoy Ashley's flirting and respected her skills as a soldier. It seemed bizarre to her then that he would leave her to die on the mission.

Granted, she herself had no experience in making any big decisions such as that, but to Tali, Ashley and Shepard had seemed to be attracted to each other.

 _Maybe I misinterpreted their relationship?_

She usually was good at reading body language. It came with growing up on the Flotilla. But before she could think on it further, someone tapped her on the shoulder and she quickly spun around to see the face of Garrus Vakarian, the turain C-Sec agent.

"Oh! Garrus! What are you doing here?" She asked politely but instead of answering, he only gestured for her to follow him, his eyes darting to the engineers in the hold. She did so, all the while being cautious of the strange turian.

"I'm…worried about Commander Shepard." He admitted to her, leading her to the cargo hold, near the Mako.

"Oh…about Ashley?" She asked him and he nodded.

"Ashley was a trusted comrade and I'll honor her as such, but I didn't know her as well as Shepard or Alenko did. I spoke with Wrex earlier and he agreed with me."

"About what?" She asked Garrus suspiciously, turning to glance at Wrex across the cargo bay. The krogan nodded at her.

 _That doesn't reassure me in the slightest…_

"We just want you to talk to Shepard, make sure he's all right. We, uh, need him focused on our next mission." Garrus finished explaining, rather awkwardly.

"B-But why me?" She fumbled with her words. _Shepard's been kind to me sure, but does he really want me helping him through this?_

"Well…I've always seen you two together. I think he trusts you, Tali. Alenko is mourning too, and Liara is always so isolated from the rest of us. Wrex and I aren't exactly the best kinds of people to be helping him through this."

She sighed in resignation. "You really care about him…don't you?" She asked Garrus who seemed uncomfortable with the question.

"N-no he's just….we need him focused for the next mission is all." Was all he would say.

She giggled a little at Garrus before heading up into the lift.

* * *

 _Illusive Man_

He had access to a computer in the former captain's quarters and had immediately started searching up any information relevant to what would come to pass.

The first term he had looked up was any information on the Illusive Man. Back then, he had not even known who was in charge of Cerberus. He remembered up to this point that he had already faced Cerberus on Binthu and Nepheron, where they had murdered an Alliance admiral.

 _Kahoku. He was a good man. He didn't deserve to die like he did._

But all of his search results only showed rumors about the man.

He had already confirmed the next destination with Joker: Noveria. He sighed, knowing that Matriarch Benezia would need to die once again in order to find the Mu Relay. He didn't like putting Liara through that kind of trauma again but it had to be done.

A buzz on his door tore him away from his thoughts and he quickly schooled his features into that of Commander Shepard.

"Come in", he said and the door slid open to reveal Tali, to his shock. "Tali! Uh…how can I help you?" He asked her, somewhat awkwardly.

Of all the people to come see him, he hadn't expected it to be her.

 _Her._ The woman who meant everything to him. The woman he had betrayed.

She lowered her head, almost as if she could hear his thoughts raging in his head.

"Shepard, I'm so sorry for Ashley", she began, but he forgot where he was as soon as she finished.

 **I'm sorry.** He was suddenly back on Rannoch, watching as she fell, her angelic face full of grief and eyes full of tears.

 **I'm sorry.** No matter how hard he ran, no matter how much he wanted to save her, he never could.

 **I** **'m sorry.** She was dead before she hit the water, her body crashing into the rocks first before sinking into the ocean of her homeworld.

 **I'm sorry.** His roar shook the mountains, but it didn't matter.

She was still dead.

"I'm sorry", he found himself whispering to her, staring at the floor. There was a pause.

"What was that?" She asked him gently, unsure if she heard him right.

He shook his head, not being able to look her in the eyes. "For everything".

"…Shepard?" He brought his eyes from the floor to meet her own eyes, glowing through her helmet. Staring at her helmet, knowing what was under it, and being this close to her, was almost too much for him.

He felt tears threatening to fall from his eyes but he quickly blinked them away.

Tali apparently saw this and she took him by the hands closer to her. Before he could register what she was doing, Tali brought him into a hug.

He paused in shock for a moment, before he found himself hugging her back guiltily. He relished the feeling of having her against him again.

 _She's so warm…_

"You don't have to say anything Shepard", she said. "Just listen. Everyone on this ship is with you Shepard. We're all grieving Ashley with you. You're not alone, Shepard." She finished passionately, wrapping him closer to her.

He let her words sink in, before he glanced at his computer, seeing the search term still floating on the screen.

 _Illusive Man_


End file.
